Archbishop Akinola and My Valuable Assistance

The past few days the phone simply has not stopped ringing. What with everything going on in the world dear Big Pete Akinola is having all sorts of trouble with his computer. Since all the fuss last year when he asked “Muddles Marty” for help, Big Pete simply didn’t know where to turn to if some of his lads crash his PC by sending a few hundred thousand emails while he’s out at lunch.

Naturally with Marty no longer willing to man the help desk Canterbury’s would-be-alternative had no alternative but to call yours truly when clicking the mouse no longer works magic. And hasn’t this made for a busy couple of days here at St. Onuphrius!

Now don’t get me wrong: Big Pete really is responsible for all his own material, just like Milli Vanilli were, and the assistance I render is primarily inspirational. That so much of what he says sounds as though it first came from my lips is either purely co-incidental, or else because he buys his sermons from the same web site I do. Granted, I occasionally do help him out a little by tidying phrases like “everyone must pay me homage or I will kill all the sodomites in their village”, but it’s all purely cosmetic stuff.

In fact Pete’s only real computer problem is that nobody’s ever had the courage to explain to him that Minesweeper is a game, and not a project management tool. Certainly, I realise there are parallels to the effective appointment of young clergy (as little what’s-his-name from Sydney Australia has shown the world: ordain anything that doesn’t dribble disproportionately when near livestock, throw him into parish and wait to see if he explodes), but in the real world one can’t just blow everything up and then make the face at the top smile again by pressing “F2”. And there’s no use in smashing anything with rage if “F2” doesn’t fix the problem, although at least I’ve been making a bundle selling Big Pete an entire new computer everytime he breaks the keyboard. Now we just have to hope Bishop Iker doesn’t realise what’s going on and change the password to his Pay-Pal account.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.